"In Hawaiian the meaning of love is very clear and it provides a useful guideline for loving and being loved.
Aloha is the word for love.
The root alo means "to be with, to share an experience, here and now".
The root oha means "affection, joy".
Thus the full translation of aloha becomes "to love is to be happy with".

This means that love exists to the degree that you are happy with the object of your love. In any relationship with a person, place or thing, the happy part comes from love and the unhappy part comes from fear, anger and doubt. You don't get sweaty hands from being in love; you get them from fear. You don't get hurt from being in love; you get hurt from anger. What you get from being in love is happiness, the intensity of it depending on how deeply you are in love. To be deeply in love means to be deeply connected, and the depth and clarity of the connection increases as fear, anger and doubt are removed."

If you are in a relationship that feels abusive, you might ask yourself the following question, (regardless of whether or not you have children):

"Is this the kind of relationship I want my child to have when he/she grows up?"

If the answer is no, consider why you are willing to settle for something you don't want for your child?

As James Baldwin once wrote:
"Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them."

If you find yourself constantly struggling to get approval from your significant other, you might ask yourself the following questions:

Am I allowing another person to treat me in ways that I would never dream of treating another person, especially someone I claimed to love?

Am I allowing another person to treat me as if I'm not deserving of being treated with respect and courtesy?

Am I allowing another person to tell me I have to change just about everything about me in order to be acceptable in their eyes?

Am I allowing myself to be ordered about as if I have no rights and no feelings?

What wounded part of me is willing to be treated like this?

And isn't it time to love myself enough to refuse abuse?

Are you 'more of who you are' with your partner .. or less?

If the other person has to change who they are, to be what you want them to be, who are you in love with? The person or your projection of who you think they should be?

If you are told that you must change, that you are not OK as you are, who is the other person in love with? You? Or their projection of who they think you should be?

Three excellent books on Verbal Abuse
by Patricia Evans are:

*The Verbally Abusive Relationship:
How to Recognize it and How to Respond* (1996)

and

*Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out:
On Relationship and Recovery* (1993)

and

*Controlling People:
How to recognize, understand,and deal
with people who try to control you*.

Click Here to go to her website.

Also check out Verbal Abuse

To read some excerpts from these books
click here

Links to two online Interactive Tests
to

find out if you are verbally abusive

or

if are you being abused.

The above links all open another window in your Browser
One way come back here is to simply close the new window.

If you find yourself at the end of a relationship and discover that you are unexpectedly bouncing between the opposite walls of relief and grief, you might consider the following question.

Are you grieving for the loss of what the relationship really was or for what it could have been, should have been or what you wanted it to be, hoped it would be but it never really was?

The relief is being free from what was, the grief is for the perceived loss of what might have been. If so, you might consider getting some velcro and sticking yourself to the Relief Wall.

Learn from it and move on and learn to discern between
projection of what you want to experience with another and
perception of what you do experience with another.

You are walking across a bridge and see one person walking towards you. As you get closer, you notice that they are carrying a long rope with one end tied around their waist. Just as the person gets very close to you, they toss one end of the rope to you.

Instinctively you reach out and catch it, and as soon you do, the person climbs up on the railing and jumps off the bridge!

You are pulled over against the side of the bridge and you are hanging on to the rope with all your strength, to keep them from falling.

You call to the person dangling on the end of the rope and plead with them to climb back up the rope. The person says "No, you have to hang on to the rope to keep me from falling. I am your responsibility it's up to you to save me."

You look for something to tie your end of the rope to but there is nothing, the bridge is solid concrete and so is the railing. There is nothing to tie the rope to and no one else is around, So there you are, stuck and barely able to hang on to them. You don't have the strength to pull them back up and the person won't do anything to help themselves.

The question is: how long do you hang on? How long do you accept responsibility for their choices?

"The Installation of Love - Installing Love on the Human Computer:"

Tech Support: Yes, how can I help you?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install Love. Can you guide me through the process?

Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. What do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart?

Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay to install Love while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running?

Customer: Let's see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and Resentment running right now.

Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem.

However,you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, "Error - Program not run on external components." What should I do?

Tech Support: Don't worry. It means that the Love program is set up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others.

Customer: So, what should I do?

Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations.

Customer: Okay, done.

Tech Support: Now, copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.

Customer: Thank you, God.

God/Tech Support: You're welcome, anytime.

~ ~ ~ ~ Anonymous

INFATUATION is instant desire - one set of glands calling to another.

LOVE is friendship that has caught fire. It takes root and grows, one day at a time.

INFATUATION is marked by a feeling of insecurity. You are excited and eager but not genuinely happy. There are nagging doubts, unanswered questions, little bits and pieces about your beloved that you would just as soon not examine too closely. It might spoil the dream.

LOVE is the quiet understanding and mature acceptance of imperfection. It is real. It gives you strength and grows beyond you - to bolster your beloved. You are warmed by his or her presence, even when he or she is away. Miles do not separate you. You have so many wonderful little films in your head that you keep replaying. But near or far, you know he or she is yours and you can wait.

INFATUATION says, "We must get married right away. I can't risk losing him or her."

LOVE says, "Be patient. Don't panic. Plan your future with confidence."

LOVE is elevating. It lifts you up. It makes you look up. It makes you think up. It makes you a better person than you were before.

INFATUATION has an element of sexual excitement. Whenever you are together you hope it will end in intimacy.

LOVE is not based on sex. It is the maturation of friendship that makes sex so much sweeter. You must be friends before you can be lovers.

- - - - Author unknown to Webmaster